Please Leave Your Name And Phone Number
by Super Shayde
Summary: A really stupid fic about what I think certain character's answering machine messages would be. Cute and unbelievably lame. [TO BE CONTINUED]
1. Ooh, A Vermicious Knid!

Answering Machine Messages

Summary: A cute, REALLY stupid little fic of what I think Harry Potter character's answering messages would be.

Ron Weasley –

"HELLO? HELLO? HOW DOES THIS THING WORK? HARRY – HARRY – HOW DO YOU DO THIS? HERMIONE – C'MON – HELP – PLEASE? HELLO!"

"Ron – Ron, stop it! Just turn it off – just make a new one – here, I'll show you –"

"HERMIONE, I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"

"You were just complaining about it and now-"

(Harry turns machine off.)

Voldemort –

"Hello...I am LORD VOLDEMORT! Leave your name and address and PREPARE TO DIE. (Muhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.)"

Sirius Black –

"Hi – you've reached Siri – I mean – you've reached the phone of somebody who is NOT AN ESCAPED CONVICT. I repeat, NOT AN ESCAPED CONVICT! Please leave a message and I'll get back to you."

Luna Lovegood –

"Hello! This is Luna – oh, wait, I think I see a Vermicious Knid!" (CRASH.)

Severus Snape –

"This is Severus Snape. Whoever you are, I most likely despise you. Politely do not leave a message and burden me even further."

Gilderoy Lockhart –

"Hello, this is Gilderoy Lockhart, five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award, Dark Arts Fighter Extraordinaire, Amazingly Amazing Writer, Handsomest Bloke on the Block, and Order of Merlin, Third Class! Forget about yourself – just think about me, of course."


	2. Stags Are Better Than Dogs!

Answering Machine Messages

Disclaimer: I think these are much funnier! I love James', Luna's, and Fred and George's! ï

- Rubeus Hagrid –

"'Lo there, this is Hagrid – oy, wait there, Beaky! I'll give ya this polecat in a mo' – just in a mo' – OW! Bad Beaky – c'mon –"

- Albus Dumbledore –

"Why, hello, this is Albus Dumbledore! I am most probably simply listening to this at the moment, just to see what your response will be." (Haha..I love Dumbledore.)

- James Potter –

"Hey! This is James – er – Prongs – er – whatever. Leave your name or something. Stags are better than dogs!"

"No way, mate! Dogs are so much better –"

"Nah!"

"Does it really matter?"

"Of course it does, Moony! This is an important discussion!"

"Um...you do know the machine's still on, right?"

"Oh. I knew that! Of course I did, Wormtail!"

"No you di-"

(Moony switches off machine.)

- George Fred Weasley –

"Hey there!"

"Please leave a message –"

"Because this machine is hooked up to poor little Crookshanks over here –"

(Whimpering meow.)

"- And if you don't leave one –"

"- This poor kitty will be electrified!"

"But its your choice, of course."

"George! Fred! What are you doing?"

"Nothing, mum! Just having a bit of fun –"

"TAKE THAT CAT OFF OF THE PHONE, FRED!"

"Aw, mum!"

"DO IT!"

"Oh, fine, party pooper –"

(Hiss.)

"OW! Stupid cat –"

- The Dursleys -

"Hello. This is the Dursley's residence. Please leave a message for Vernon, Petunia, or Dudley. WE ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL. WE HAVE NO SECRET NEPHEWS. WE ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL – RUDDY OWLS!"

- Harry Potter -

"Hi, this is Harry Potter. If you're Voldemort, please leave your name and place of residence!"

- Bellatrix Lestrange -

"Aww, poor wittle baby! You called and I didn't pick up. Poor baby, now you've gotta make a wittle message! Aww."

- Cho Chang -

"H-Hi – this is Cho – I – I – I miss Cedric!" (Bawling.)


	3. BEEP! Crash

Answering Machine Messages

- Sybil Trelawney -

"Hello, darlings..I am Sybil Trelawney....I predicted you would call, yet Seers so talented as myself do not boast their Inner Eyes.." (GASP!) "I see the Grim in your future! Peril lies in your path! Grave peril! I must go crystal gaze and seek further! Leave your phone number and I shall use the clairvoyant art of numerology to discover your future with its aid!"

- Gregory Goyle -

"Duh...? Phone number good."

- Delores Umbridge -

"Hello, you have reached my phone...I am Delores Umbridg-" (Clicking tongue in background.) "CENTAURS! VILE HALF-BREEDS!" (CRASH.)

- Argus Filch -

"Mrs. Norris is looking for you, brats...Give me your name and phone number to make it a bit easier.." (Cackle.)

- Professor Lupin -

"Hello there! I'm afraid I've missed your call, but I will return it as soon as is possible - oh, _no_, Neville! Oh dear - out of the way, I have to catch that kappa - keep yourselves as far away as possible - urgh -"

- Draco Malfoy -

(Haughty sniff.) "I'm better than you. These telephones are vile...Muggle machines...curse Dumbledore for forcing every student to have one..I'M BETTER THAN YOU ALL. I'm rich! And you're not! So HA. Curse you all!" (Haughty sniff.)

- Mundungus Fletcher -

"'Allo, you've reached 'Dung's telephone.." (Lowers voice to whisper.) "Gotta lower me voice so Molly don't 'ear - if 'oo've got any - interestin items, you know 'oo to call.."

- Arabella Figg -

"Hello, this is Ms. Arabella Figg - oh, Mr. Tibbles, don't fuss - oh, alright -" (Trips over cat.) (CRASH.) "Oh, no - Mr. Tibbles, you horrible cat -"

- Molly Weasley -

"Oh, hello, this is Molly! Oh, no - more fake wands - FRED! GEORGE! OH, I'M GOING TO WALLOP YOU TWO SOMEDAY -"

- Arthur Weasley -

"Oh, this is so marvelous! I wonder what this peculiar button over here does -" (BEEP!) (CRASH.)


	4. Um, Have You Seen Trevor?

Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number

Disclaimer: Okay, I'm running out of ideas here! Please review with new ideas. And magicalme23, I did do Sirius, in the first chapter..

Summary: "Wouldn't you like to see the summary for Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number? On sale, today on-" NO! I'M NOT INTERESTED! Stupid telemarketers..

- Wormtail -

"Hi..um..I'M DEAD!" (Squeak!) "GO AWAY! HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER?"

Dobby -

"Do you like Harry Potter? Dobby likes Harry Potter! What is it that young witches and wizards say today, Dobby wonders? Oh, yes, Dobby remembers! Harry Potter is '_cool_'!"

Neville Longbottom -

"Um..this is Neville! If you've seen Trevor..well..please leave a message if you have!"

Hermione Granger -

"Hello, this is Hermione! Please leave your phone number and name, as I'm not available at the moment. Honestly, I'm surprised so many people don't understand how to use a simple answering machine, its certainly not difficult – RON! STOP! What are you doing to your answering machine?! Don't -"

Kreacher -

"I Kreacher. Kreacher evil and smelly."

Parvati Patil -

"(giggle) Didja hear? I heard Lavender kissed – Oh, c'mon, Lavy – I was just kidding, I wasn't REALLY going to tell, honestly! (grumbles) Did she HAVE to walk in right then?!"

Winky -

"I Winky. Winky very tipsy! (giggle)"


	5. Ghosts Can Eat Pizza? Coolio!

Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number

Summary: Thank you so much for your reviews! Most – or all of these, I forget, are from suggestions from a very enthusiastic reviewer...called...er...oh yes, A CUTE BUT PYSCHO BUNNY. Thank you, Cute but Pyscho bunny. Lolnesssss.Did you get the idea for that from Happy Bunny?

Disclaimer: This is a moderately long chapter for me...GASP!

- Cedric Diggory -

"Hey..I never knew you got a last phone call when you died! Cool. I think I'll call the pizza place.."

- Viktor Krum -

"Leave a message only if you are Herm-own-ninny!"

- Fleur Delacour -

"'Allo, thees ees Fleur. I aem most probeely not 'ere because of – what is the word – _dates_ wees Beel. What ees it, Beel? I should not have said zat? And why not -"

Rita Skeeter -

"Hey, this is the beautiful Rita...got any gossip? Pass it on before that _Granger_ hears.."

Pansy Parkington -

"This is Pansy! I love Draco and Granger's ugly...I'm prettier! Really, I am!"

Ludo Bagman -

"'Lo, this is Ludo! Um...keep away from the phone, goblins!" (CRASH.)

Lucius Malfoy -

"You've reached the Malfoy residence..we just _love_ the Ministry." (Cackle.)

Mad-Eye Moody -

"WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME, EH? A DEATH EATER COULD BE LISTENING AT THIS VERY MOMENT! HANG UP! HANG UP NOW!" (Sounds of milk being poured into a glass.) "THAT MUST BE A DEATH EATER RAIDING THE KITCHEN! HANG UP NOW!" (Female gasp.)

"Moody, what are you doing?"

"Tonks, you should be a bit more careful at this hour! Once I found a Death Eater hidin' under my sofa..."

Firenze -

"Mars is bright tonight...the stars are drawing ever closer...MARS IS BRIGHT TONIGHT! A war drapes itself over the land! Oh..hello, mortal machine. I am Firenze."

Cornelius Fudge -

"Well...we didn't believe Dumbledore because...GO AWAY!"

Tonks -

(old woman's voice.) "Who might I be, sonny?" (cackle) (normal voice.) "Just Tonks!"


	6. Weatherby, Charming! Snicker!

Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number

Disclaimer: Thank you for the ideas, reviewers P.S. I took Ginny's from a fanfic by Thalia Poet.

Ginny Weasley(CoS) –

"Tom Riddle…Tom Riddle…Tom Riddle…help meeee…"

Moaning Myrtle –

"Why are you calling me? I need to think about despair and death! How dare you! Everybody's bothering Myrtle..always.." (sniffle)

Oliver Wood –

"Why are you calling me? I need to train, moron! I need to train so I can WIN! I MUST WIN!...MUST WIN…MUST WIN!" (CRASH.)

Lily Potter –

"If you're an old friend of mine, would you please stop calling me and rubbing it in my face that I married James?! I was wrong, OKAY?"

Percy Weasley –

"FRED! GEORGE! WHY ARE YOU DISTURBING ME AT WORK –"

"Ooh, you've got a picture of Penny, have you?"

"And the little plate on your desk still says 'Weatherby'…how charming."

"Quaint, yes, I agree, Fred.."

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!"

Karkaroff –

"Not a Death Eater…Not a Death Eater…not….promise?" (whimper)

Madame Maxime –

"I 'ave big bones!"

Lockhart(after memory charm) –

"Eh? Who am I? Shiny…teeth…so shiny. Shinier than yours.."


	7. Death Eaters? Infomercials? Pure Evil!

_Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number_

Disclaimer: La la la…

Summary: No no no, of course not!

**Princess Ariana:** YAY! Puppies! Thank you for zhe puppeh!::cuddles puppy:: Puppies motivation, yeah!

Frodo Baggins(I couldn't resist, okay?!) –

"Ring…so heavy upon my chest…what, Sam? Wrong series? What are you talking about? Oh…wait…"

Quirrell –

"H-Have you, b-by any chance, se-seen P-Potter? I h-have something v-very…im-important to t-tell him." (Cackle.)

Professor McGonagall –

"Well, I agree with Headmaster Dumbledore in many aspects, yet…answering machines? Its rather far-fetched in my opinion.."

Bill Weasley –

"But, mum…I don't want to cut my hair…MUM! You left the answering machine on –"

"So everyone can know how hopelessly stubborn you are, dear.."

"MUM!"

Crookshanks –

"…Meow?"

Macnair –

"Want to let out all your anger? Join my 'let's smash things' course! With a free thirty-minute infomercial after, about the lives of Death Eaters – JOIN OR DIE."

Vincent Crabbe –

"I like donuts…do you like donuts? Durr…."

Regulus Black –

"Be cool – believe in pureblood mania!"


	8. Preety, Weety, and Wize

Please Leave Your Name and Phone Number

Short chapter, but finally an update..

(SPOILER ALERT: CONTAINS CHARACTERS AND SITUATIONS FROM HBP, SOME MAJOR!)

Rufus Scrimgeour –

"Why hello…are you Dumbledore's man?"

- Fleur Delacour –

"I am preety, and weety, and wize! …What! Beel, I told you not to turn this theeng on while I am seengeeng! If you were not so badly eenjured, I would…!"

The Prime Minister –

"If you are a little man in a lime green bowler hat, kindly hang up. Immediately."

Cornelius Fudge –

"I have to announce that I have still been opposed even after being…exiled from the position of Minister. I will admit that I was…a bit harsh, but my fashion sense is perfectly fine, thank you very much!"

Severus Snape –

"Hello. Now hang up, shut up, and forget you ever knew this number."

Albus Dumbledore –

"Hello everyone! I am pleased to announce that there are indeed acid pops in heaven. That is all. Please don't leave a message, as I will be considerably unable to answer it."

Harry Potter –

"So angsty…so noble…so pressured…GO AWAY!"


End file.
